


Give and Take

by lamerezouille



Series: A Weird Pairing Experience - Merlin Edition [1]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Discussion of Abortion, F/M, terminal illness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-11
Updated: 2014-04-11
Packaged: 2018-01-18 23:33:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1447000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lamerezouille/pseuds/lamerezouille
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Gwen finds out she’s pregnant the day Lancelot is deported.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Give and Take

Gwen finds out she’s pregnant the day Lancelot is deported. Morgana had sent her to the company works doctor a few days before because Gwen felt a little nauseous at the time, and Morgana is the kind of boss that may treat her employees like slaves, but cares about them very deeply too. The blood test results are deposited in the mailbox at the same time Gwen is accompanying Lancelot to the airport. When she opens the envelope, Lancelot’s plane is already outside British territory.

Morgana’s not the best boss, but Gwen knows she would accommodate her pregnancy the best the company could afford. Elyan would help a lot too, there’s no question about it. But the fact is Gwen would be a single mom with not that good a salary. She lives in a postage-stamp sized flat and can’t imagine any baby growing up there. And Lancelot’s not likely to come back. Ever.

The mere idea of having to raise a kid without Lancelot by her side makes her sick some days. It reminds her of what she’s lost and of how much Lancelot wanted a kid, how good a family they could have been, all three of them.

She thinks about living, sometimes. She thinks about joining Lancelot in his country, about making a life there, about their little one growing up under the tropics. But there’s a reason Lancelot came here in the first place. There’s a reason he wanted to leave his country to find a better place to live. She knows he wouldn’t forgive her if she did that, no matter how much they loved each other.

It’s all messed up in her mind and she doesn’t know what to do. She feels like the only wise thing to do would be to terminate it, but can’t fathom the idea of abandoning the only part of Lancelot she had left. She can’t take any decision at all.

So she stalls. She stalls so much that in the end it’s too late for anything.

Her baby is born in the end of summer. She names her Valeria.

The beginnings are hard, Valeria isn’t an especially difficult baby, but that doesn’t keep her from crying at a moment’s notice and demanding more attention than Gwen feels she can give. She feels she’s over her head, and she’s lucky she’s not completely alone. Morgana is more understanding than Gwen thought she was capable of and Elyan goes above and beyond to help her—so much so that she starts feeling guilty about it quite quickly.

The few quiet times she has to herself, in the early morning lights or under the mid-afternoon heat, she spends them thinking about Lancelot. She writes him as often as she can, describing Valeria’s gentle eyes and soft dimples. She writes how she misses him, and how much she wishes he was here. She writes even if she knows it’s useless. The first letter she’d written, back at the beginning of her pregnancy, has been returned to her. She’s got no phone number to contact him and she knows he’s got no access to any form of internet. She still writes though. She writes and she tucks the letters in a shoebox under her bed, wishing that Lancelot could one day read them.

The day Valeria turns five, she’s still got no news from Lancelot, no idea where he can be by now. She doesn’t even know if he’s still alive. She writes a letter to Lancelot telling him how smart and funny and beautiful Valeria is. She realises, for the first time since Lancelot had to leave, that she actually is happy. It doesn’t keep her tears from drenching ink and paper.

Valeria is nine when Gwen finally accepts to go on a date with Morgana’s brother. Arthur’s kind and funny—if a little conceited—and they have a nice evening. She doesn’t kiss him at the end of it, and he doesn’t seem especially sorry about it. They decide they’d be better as friends and that’s it. She decides not to go on any other dates, though.

She doesn’t dare writing to Lancelot for months after that.

Valeria is eleven when she asks Gwen who her father _really_ is. Gwen’s never hidden anything about Lancelot from her, but she’s never said too much either. She tells her as much as she can, and before she feels her breath shortening with the need to sob, she shows her the letters. Valeria takes them to her room, and only returns them to Gwen two weeks later. Gwen pretends not to notice the new tear stains on some of them.

Lancelot has been gone for almost fifteen years when Valeria gets sick. Elyan is there by her side when the doctors tell her she can’t afford being hopeful. Morgana is there too, and Arthur, and all the other friends she’s amassed over the years without really realising it. Yet she’s never felt so alone. Valeria is going to be taken from her the same way Lancelot was, and it makes her want to throw up, to scream, to punch someone. She doesn’t do any of this, though. She settles for getting hugs from Merlin, then Leon, then Percival, before being engulfed in a sea of arms and love by all of her friends.

She doesn’t want to go home. She wants to stay at the hospital by Valeria’s side, because she doesn’t know what can happen. She doesn’t want Valeria to die while she’s not there. After two days and two nights, sweet, sweet Freya finally convinces her that she stinks and looks more like a zombie than a human being, and Gwen lets Elena and Gwaine drive her home.

When she sees Lancelot standing in the building’s driveway, she doesn’t think he’s a hallucination. She doesn’t think God is finally answering her prayers. She thinks that love can’t be shared and that she had to lose Lancelot to get Valeria and to lose Valeria to get Lancelot. She exits Elena’s car before it has completely stopped and she runs towards Lancelot as fast as she can. She kisses him, of course she does, but she also hits him in the chest as hard as she can, again and again. She yells at him and swears and checks several times that he’s really there, and then she kisses him again.

She says goodbye and thank you to Elena and Gwaine. They look bewildered but she doesn’t take time to introduce them to Lancelot. She takes Lancelot inside and makes him read the letters. While he does, she writes another one, a last one, telling the story of the last few days.

After he’s read everything, Lancelot cries. She cries too. He hugs her and kisses her and soothes her. He makes love to her and they sleep in the same bed they conceived Valeria in. They sleep for twelve-hours straight and after breakfast and a shower, they go to the hospital hand in hand. When they arrive there, there’s only Elyan left from all her friends. He’s never met Lancelot but he seems to recognise him instantly. They shake hands and Elyan leaves the room.

Valeria is sleeping. Lancelot sits by his daughter’s bedside and takes her hand in his. He doesn’t move from there for anything other than the bathroom for ten days.

And then Valeria starts getting better. The doctors say it’s unexpected and unprecedented, and Lancelot’s arm around Gwen’s waist is the warmest thing on earth.

Valeria is sixteen when she’s pronounced definitely cured.

She’s seventeen when her parents finally get married.


End file.
